Regardless of what your Halloween plans might entail, chances are pretty good that you’ll eventually come face to face with the compressed, Lycra-silhouetted junk of at least one dude dressed as a superhero. Pretty on the Outside decided to grade some of the shrink-wrapped celebrity shlong on display this haunting season, giving head-of-the-class marks to Brody “The Hills” Jenner’s shapely, right-bending manhood.

The jury appears to be out on Adrian Grenier’s basket, however, as the elephantine mound on display suggests the star of Aquaman and Medellin either stuffed himself with one of Drama’s gym socks, or opted to tie his firehose into a sailing knot before leaving the house for his All Hallow’s Eve revelries.

• Happy Halloween. Now Let’s Talk Penises. [Pretty on the Outside]

Adrian Grenier’s Mystery Package Confounds Celebrity Shlong Scrutinizers [Bulges] - Read More

Appearing on Late Show last night to promote a small, low-profile animated movie soon to make its way into select art houses across the country, Hubbardian dabbler Jerry Seinfeld used the opportunity to try out a tight, three-minute set of new material based entirely around the everyman premise, “So a billionaire comedian’s wife writes an Oprah-approved cookbook about hiding brussel sprouts in your kids’ mac and cheese, and some celebrity-stalking lunatic accuses her of plagiarism, just because the book she already wrote on that topic contains 15 identical recipes!”

Despite Letterman’s best, half-assed efforts at playing Seinfeld’s advocate, we think his fidgety body language and involuntarily groans (particularly after the part of the bit in which Seinfeld accuses the author of being a potential serial killer) tell us everything we need to know about whose side he takes on this matter. It almost made you long for someone to change the topic to something a little less awkward, such as all the wonderful voice-work Afro-American comedian Chris Rock did in Bee Movie.

• Late Show with David Letterman

Seinfeld To Letterman: ‘What’s The Deal With That Crazy Woman My Wife Stole All Her Cookbook Ideas From?’ [Revenge Comedy] - Read More

? Universal and New Line join the list of those who strenuously object to the WGA’s strike rules, warning writers in their employ that complying with their union’s demands to validate the scripts they’re trying to turn in before tomorrow’s deadline will put them in breach of contract. [Variety]
· Writers and studio executives alike have caught Script-Flipping Fever! Unfortunately, any camaraderie the two sides may now feel as they rush to finish shootable screenplays together could be slightly undermined if they’re forced to start trying to kill each other on Thursday morning. [THR]
? Warner Bros. wants to deepen its already very fulfilling relationship with model/host/producer/investigative reporter Tyra Banks, signing her to a multiyear deal in which Banks’ production company will do everything for the Warner corporate family short of emptying their trash cans at the end of the day. [Variety]

· ABC gives a full-season pick-up to Samantha Who? following the show’s third consecutive “strong” showing. The usual caveats apply regarding the strike erasing the portion of the TV season in which those back-nine episodes would eventually air. [THR]
? The World Series sweep is great for Red Sox fans, not-so-great for Fox, who find themselves out of three games’ worth of ad money. [Variety]

Warner Bros. Wants To Get Even Deeper Into The Tyra Banks Business [Trade Roundup] - Read More

The Lane Garrison legal saga found a measure of closure today, a judge having decided that 40 months in jail was a suitable sentence for the Prison Break actor’s cokey-boozy bender that ended in the death of Beverly Hills High School student Vahagn Setian. From the AP report:

“The public has the right to know that conduct such as this, causing devastation such as this” will have consequences, Superior Court Judge Elden S. Fox said.

“Unfortunately, in this case, you have to be the messenger,” he told Garrison.

Before the ruling, he apologized to the family of Vahagn Setian.

“I’m sick of my own behavior that night,” he said. “This remorse is genuine. I feel it every day.”

With Garrison safely behind bars, relieved parents of Beverly Hills High students can now feel free to sign permission slips for the Terror At 30,000 Feet Halloween Dance, semi-confident that no C-list Hollywood type will sidle up to their children on a beanbag couch in the Cockpit of Doom to coax them away from the proceedings with the promise of a “kick-ass, all-you-can-snort party in the Hills.”

• Garrison Sentenced to 40 Months in Prison [AP]

Lane Garrison Gets 40 Months Without Possibility Of Kick-Ass High School Parties [Rulings] - Read More

With a significant portion of Southern California engulfed in apocalyptic hellfires sent by a vengeful God clearly envious of our year-round good weather and easily accessible, delicious produce, the hardy footsoldiers dispatched to the front lines of this unwinnable war display extraordinary courage in the line of duty. We speak, of course, of the paparazzi angling for a shot of Britney Spears’s home. The NY Observer reports:

“Basically, all the paparazzi are still out there trying to get their Britney shot,” said one resident of the beachy burg. “They don’t even care much about the burning houses.”

Indeed, gripes about Britney have been permeating Malibu like so much ash, said the source, who overheard Mel Gibson’s wife, Robyn, venting to a fellow local. “She was like, ‘It’s so annoying that people are more concerned about if Britney Spears’s house was burnt’”–so far, it’s escaped any damage–”‘than their own well-being.’” Mad Max’s wife, who was forced to evacuate along with the couple’s twin boys, went on to say that the situation said horrible things about “people’s priorities.”

“Basically,” said the source, “Britney needs to get the fuck out of Malibu.”

This isn’t the first resident of a tony Los Angeles enclave to verbalize their frustration over the riots that follow the singer wherever she goes. Still, when Mrs. Mel Gibson, Duchess of the Dominion of Malibu, is reduced to getting her sugartits in a bunch over the media’s trivial obsession with her gum-snapping, latté-chugging neighbor–as beach-dwelling Malibu Americans are sent fleeing from their burning homes–it signals to us that something is truly off-kilter with the current state of disaster-exploitation tabloid journalism.

• Malibu Is Up in Smoke–About Britney’s Paparazzi Problem! Ejected From Abode, Mel Gibson’s Wife Grouses [NYObserver.com]

Wildfires: Britney-Stalking Paparazzi Fiddle With Their Cameras As Malibu Burns - Read More

Today’s most popular headlines are Another Halloween, Another ‘Saw’ Sequel, Another Big Pile Of Money For Lions Gate (1,593 views today), Writers Offer A Horrifing Vision Of A Strike-Decimated Hollywood (1,497) and AMPTP President: The WGA/Studio Relationship Is Like A Catholic Marriage (1,186).

Today’s most popular headlines are Another . [Stats Feed] - Read More

Those sneaky MySpace folks, after teasing that their Exclusive! First! Owen Wilson! Interview! Since, You Know, The Incident! would be getting a terribly inconvenient midnight world premiere, have (thankfully) snuck the video online several hours early. And? The clip contains talk of monkeys, the inoculations you need to film in India, and other good-natured chatter overwhelmed by the unbearable tension that Anderson will at some point finally break from the small talk to turn to his old friend and ask, “Will you just fucking tell everyone you’re OK so we can be done with it?” (A moment that never arrived, but you’ve probably figured that out already.) Now you can safely head out to whatever boozy plans you had for the evening without having to feel like you were going to miss out on the kind of teary, revelatory moment the Hollywood’s troubled stars usually reserve for Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer. See you Monday.

• Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson [MySpace]

Owen Wilson Apparently Not Ready To Answer The Owen Wilson Question Either [Still Ignoring The Elephant In The Room] - Read More

It wasn’t just Kiefer Sutherland’s merry, drunken joyride through life that came crashing to a halt when he was stopped for a parole-violating DUI last month–so too did the party end for the ranks of professional John Hancock-procurers depending on Kiefer’s autograph to put food on the table for their little ones. Sutherland now refuses to sign for them, Page Six reports, since damning shots of the slosh-faced actor taken the night of his arrest made their way onto the internets:

Autograph collectors are reeling over the “24″ star’s decision to stop putting his signature on memorabilia in the wake of his Sept. 25 bust for DUI, when fans and paparazzi snapped footage of him stumbling after he was pulled over at 1 a.m. “He was one of the best autograph signers there was,” collector Michael Wehrmann told Page Six.

“He would always stand and sign for a half hour, but since his arrest, he’s been telling collectors, ‘I don’t do that anymore. You guys screwed me.’ ” Photos taken before the arrest, showing Sutherland looking tired and emotional, were quickly posted on the Internet. The shots could have been introduced as evidence in court, but Sutherland pleaded “no contest.”

While a signing blackout for full-time collectors could be devastating–shutting down entire eBay wings devoted entirely to hawking 8×10 glossies of the actor signed, “‘See you in hell, Fayed!’ Best wishes, Kiefer”–the implications for the casual Sutherland fan could reap untold rewards, as any scotch-stained message from the actor drunkenly scrawled on a cocktail napkin reading, “You’re [illegible] hot. Call me - 310-829-[illegible] - Kie[illegible]” could now be worth a far heftier sum on the Kiefer collectible market.

• NO AUTOGRAPHS [NY Post]

Kiefer Sutherland Demonstrates Support For Writers’ Strike By Refusing To Sign Autographs [Collectibles] - Read More

Congratulations are in order for ABC, the network deemed marginally less lily-white than its borderline-albino broadcast rivals in a television diversity report just released by Multi-Ethnic Media Coalition. Behind the leadership of televisionary Steve McPherson–an executive unafraid to crack some skulls when his shows begin to lag behind their diversity benchmarks–and hits like Ugly Betty, ABC easily triumphed over competition that was either satisfied to maintain the Caucasian status quo or backslide further into the alabaster void:

The success of “Betty” earned ABC an A-minus for the 2006-07 season, the highest grade for any network rated by the Multi-Ethnic Media Coalition.

The group’s seventh annual diversity report card grades the broadcast networks for hiring minority talent in front and behind the camera and in the executive ranks, as well as “overall commitment to diversity initiatives.”

NBC and CBS maintained their grades of B and B-plus, respectively, while Fox was the only network to go down, from a B to a B-minus, prompted mostly by Fox’s policy not to disclose complete statistical information.

Of course, no discussion of McPherson’s dedication to primetime diversity can exclude perhaps his greatest triumph in this area, Cavemen. Ignoring the misguided complaints of a star who felt victimized by the executive’s controversial pro-Neanderthal programming policies and the slings and arrows of skeptical critics, McPherson ultimately succeeded in dedicating 30 minutes per week to televising the struggles of a minority group heretofore completely ignored by the networks. While his triumph will probably be tragically short-lived, it’s a victory that will be forever reflected in that much deserved A-minus.

• ABC wins top grade for diversity [Reuters/THR]

ABC Deemed Least Aggressively Causcasian Of The TV Networks [On Diversity] - Read More

Most people remember the sweeping eyebrows and gash of red lipstick, but in her youth, Joan was considered quite a beauty. Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/crawford-1.jpg (http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/crawford-1.jpg)Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/joan_crawford-trois.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/Joan_Crawford_64.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/Gowns_Joan_Crawford.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/Crawford_Joan_5.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/Joan-Crawford-Photograph-C10104342.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/joan_crawford_gallery_17.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/16-1.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/Joan_Crawford_dress.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/crawford.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/31hurrellwhitesharpgl.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/Joan20Crawford.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/0421_uru_joan_crawford.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/joanblond.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/annex-crawford-joan-grand-hotel_01.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/joan4.jpg Image: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/xLaurentx/youngCrawfordBig.jpg

Joan Crawford [Actress] - Read More